black bodybuilders & musclemen
Yo, this is a conversation I recently had with my son and some of his friends. They asked me to post this in the groups on facebook because they thought it help others. Now, some of you die hard deleterious aficionados ( I know ya'll like them big words, got ya hot didn't it? LOL) will not like what I have to say, totally disagree with it, take it in the wrong way, leave a rude and ignorant comment or just plain not understand it. MY DISCLAMIER: I could give a rat's ass about what you think. If you don't like it, don't read it and move the fuck on with your life. With that being said here is the conversation:
This goes out to all my brothas who can't seem to figure out why they can't find anyone. If you get nothing else from this remember this: YOU ARE WORTHY OF THE LOVE YOU DESIRE BECAUSE YOU ARE LOVE INCARNATE. Meaning, you have the birthright to love and be loved in return fully and freely. We as men love to hold onto known pain in fear of unknown pleasure. You don't have to be alone you just have to find a better way to meet, talk and date the men you not only desire but also the ones that desire you. I was with my Beloved for 15 years 3 as best friends and 12 in a monogamous relationship. He was killed in a car accident on our wedding day and I still miss him to this day. I can give you what worked for us because these are the lessons learned from my own experiences in life.
1st - ALWAYS love yourself first no matter what you come first. Why? Because, you can feed someone if you have no food. You can't house someone if you have no home. You can't pay bills if there is no money in your account. If that weekend stay at Sizzle Miami is more than your rent, you may need to question if this is the best option. If those pair of Versace shoes, cost more than your car note you my reconsider buying them. The first and foremost bill you always pay is yourself. No matter what, 10-20% of you income should go directly to you. The way my beloved taught me is 10% in cash to God's Donation account but that does not mean a church or a religious organization (i.e.: I am not a Christian, attend any religious organization or claim any religious or spiritual affiliations). It means you keep 10% in cash somewhere in the house in a private undisclosed location that only you know about for whatever need pops up. That may be helping you friend with gas, giving you moms some money for rent or fixing the flat tire on your car (yes you are important to God also) then 10% in an high interest bearing saving account e.g.: cd, saving bond, etc... It has to do with the way things were done in time of Abraham but that is another story all together.
2nd - How you present yourself is what you will received. What you think about you bring about because EVERY thought is a mediation and every word is a prayer. STOP complaining about what you don't like and speak of what you do like. STOP giving your dick and giving your ass up to brus who don't deserve it. STOP hitting up brus you have no interest in other than to bitch about what you don't like about their post and overlooking the ones that are interested in you because you are too caught up in foolishness to realize someone who likes you is trying to holla at you. STOP immediately posting pic of your sexy self without a shirt, face down and ass up, showing off the family jewels, etc... because if you gonna put all your business out there become a porn star and make some REAL money instead of giving it away to the THOUSANDS of men in this group for FREE. If you gonna play the whore card, be a good one and make it rain. STOP thinking that every man that hit you meet or hits you up wants to fuck you. STOP dissing and dismissing brus that you are not attracted to or who are not attracted to you when he may have a friend that he can introduce you to that is attractive to you. Men by nature (yes, even the sissies) are natural hunters. If you present yourself sexually then you will draw men who only look for sex. Instead present yourself as a "classic man", an "OG", a "Brotha to the night" (go watch Love Jones), etc. . . Own up to your masculinity and masculine image (or your feminine wilds and sensuality whichever way you go) be it the Military brotha, Corporate executive or Thug in the street, be who it is that is authentically you and in your comfort zone. If you post a pic, post one of your fully clothed, fly as fuck, confident as hell and sexy as all get the fuck out. They will still drool just as much as the shirtless one or butt ass naked one. Personal hygiene is the big dick and tight ass of attraction so wash your salty balls with soap and put on some deodorant even it is just arm and hammer baking soda and throw on a sent even if you just rub a cinnamon stick on the back of your neck but whatever you do keep it sensual and sexy. If you not confident with yourself, nobody else will be. Once you find that look where you KNOW you are looking good and nobody can tell your shit to the point you feeling that joy in your soul, grab your balls, walk with swagger of a billionaire, and OWN IT!! Men will still chase after you like a cheetah after a gazelle.
3rd - Listen first, ask question second and be the last to speak. Communication is KEY if you meet someone. If you are just sitting there staring into space, if conversing is like pulling teeth or if they spend more time on their smartphone then talking to you then be AWARE of what that is saying to you and take a mental note if it is NOT in alignment with your vision and desires for yourself. Way too often, we hang in there because the face is on fleek, the body is tight, the ass is phat, the bulge is huge but the breath is burning the hair out your nose and the conversation is a dull as dish water. WAKE UP! Men will always tell you the truth until what they say is not in alignment with your ideals for your life. Men that take on the angry bitter woman mentality (& Yes, there are some masculine black men with an angry bitter woman's mentality) easily separate themselves from the reality that we are MEN! Example: I went on a date with this brotha and he told me he could NEVER see himself in a relationship with another man and he found himself only attracted to assholes. He also stated that there is no such thing as a faithful black man so he knew there was no black man on earth that would be as good as he was in a relationship. Now I got several problems with what he just said, I am strongly about not only being in a relationship but also being married to the man I love and care for at all times a true ride or die bru. Secondly I am not going to play the role he is seeking which is an "unfaithful asshole." So when I said, "okay thanks for that information but it seem that we are not a match." His reply was "BUT I am not saying it can't happen" YOU must know for yourself what you are willing to accept in your life. The man that one person calls a dog and then he turns into a king with the next person was not prepared by the old one. The reality is he refused to continue in that role because the perception is not with the person labeled but with the person doing the labeling. My acceptable roles are friend, lover, confidant, husband, Homie, significant other, partner, shawty, BAE, BELOVED. ALWAYS listen to the roles a man tells you that he feels about relationships not the one that he claims to be seeking and because he is telling you about himself in a relationship. He is giving you HIS vision of what a relationship with him will be like. Remember: Actions speak louder than words and nobody can do anything to you that you don't allow.
4th -- Give it time and give the brotha a chance to "do right by you." Forgive and forgive again. Don't let learned behaviors ruin a good thing. Stop trying to create microwave relationships of convenience because you want to be "IN LOVE." Even if you are NOT sexually attracted to a brother he still could make a good friend. REALITY CHECK: You do not have to have sex with every man you meet and every man you meet does NOT want to have sex with you. There are men that actually NOT attracted to you sexually but are attracted to you mentally because you have something in common. It called (and here is a new word for you) FRIENDSHIP. I had a friend once that ended his relationship of 3 months because the bru did not put the cap back on the toothpaste and it got on his nerve because he would tell him about it and it he would "forget." Indignantly saying "not everyone can have a relationship like yours" So I had to put a bru in his place by giving him this tid-bit of information. My Beloved would come home take strip butt naked and leave a trail of clothes on the floor after work. NOW, it was a beautiful thing so see him walking around the house BUTTA ass naked with everything just bouncing in the wind but that trail of clothes worked my last good nerve. So, I would ask him to please get his clothes and put them in the hamper the next day he did the exact same thing. I would tell him the same amount of time it takes him to strip and leave clothes on the floor is the same amount of time it would take to put the clothes in the hamper. He would agree and come in the next day and repeat the behavior. So, I asked him why he did that all the time knowing that it bothered me. He explained that growing up he always had someone else do it and it just became a habit. His moms, grandmother, etc. . . someone always picked up after him and it was just something that was hard for him to break because he did it without thought. I explained to him the reason I did pick up after him was because I loved him. The reason I loved him was because I knew he cared about US. Bills paid, food on the table, roof overhead, cars working, sex orgasmic, etc. . . BUT, if picking up after him is something that his mom does for him, then does it make sense to him that in repeating this behavior everyday he is actually placing me in the role of his mom and therefore his mom is fucking him. I never picked up another article of clothing after that because I had an open and honest communication with my Beloved. I didn't just get frustrated and hold on to this issue from January to July. I sat down and explained to him how it made me feel which made all the difference.
Lastly, UPGRADE your dayum self. . . Stop giving Husband privileges to a Facebook profile. Stop supporting brothas who don't support you. Stop waiting for someone to show you a different way but instead find and make it for yourself. DEMAND dates in a secure public location that is comfortable for you both. Pay for you own drinks and food when you meet instead of waiting for someone to "treat" you on the date. Stop putting unrealistic expectations on a brotha that you have only texted with for one hour. Stop going to sex clubs and orgies expecting to find the man of your dreams with the body of life, the dick of ultimate pleasure, the face of an Adonis, and the income of a rock star. Example: I met this bru on facebook and asked so when we gonna go out on a date in a joking manner. His reply was when ask me properly and get ticket to the Jill Scott concert on August 8th. STOP HAMMER TIME: Now at this moment in time, he is nothing more than a facebook profile that I have NEVER met therefore, why would I do for a facebook post the thing that I would do for and reserve only for a Beloved? Bottom Line: I would not. Again, listen to what a man says but do NOT react but take mental note of the things that are not in alignment with your vision and desires for your life. I say this because a LOT of brothas, both masculine and fem, have a caretaker mentality which is a very good thing for a relationship when tempered with wisdom but not for a meet and greet over coffee. You have to allow yourself time to get to know the brother first before laying it all out there. You can't fall in love on Friday, move in on Saturday and break up on Monday. I know this sound stupid but the reality is brus are so use to how easy it is got get ass and dick you actually not giving it away like free samples at Costco will make you more desirable. DEMAND your own respect by first having a meet and greet in a coffee shop or over lunch to see if you are even a good fit through conversing. Everything that looks good is not always good for you. He may look like LL Cool J but open his mouth and talk that crazy shit like Kanye West. He may dress like a Rastafarian but open his mouth and talk like Ru Paul. He may have as ass as PHAT as Kim Kardashian but acts like Bon Qui Qui at King Burger on the SW side of the city (look up the video on YouTube.com) Just because your find the exterior attractive does not mean the interior is your flavor. Always make the first date an active date e.g.: Rock Climbing, Video games at Dave's and Buster, Rides at 6 flags, a cooking class, etc... NEVER discusses your ex's, money, sex or sexual roles on the first date. Why? Because, if he can't vibe with you on a mental level the sex, money and all other items is out the window anyway. When you do decide to have sex stop fucking and learn to make love with fucking as the added bonus. Why? Because sex was meant to be an expression of love and we have made it nothing more than taking a good shit or piss in the toilet. When you have sex as a loving act it magnifies it a thousand fold. When you have sex and you know what pleasures make you feel that "OOH WEE" it magnifies it ten thousand fold. Most men have never had a regular massage let a long an sensual, erotic, genital or prostate massage and probably don't even know what they are. They copy the behaviors in porn not realizing that porn is fake and all acting. When you pick up books about tantric massage, erotic pleasure, karma sutra, or even the joys of gay sex you are opening yourself up to new experiences that will sexually satisfy you in more ways than one. (that goes for both open and monogamous relationships) When you are fucking you are simply busting a nut as part of a bodily function but when you make love you can experience multiple orgasms before ejaculation (YES men can have multiple orgasm) along with the emotional, mental and spiritual connection lost in today sexual explorations. Things like fellatio, edging, frottage, toys, role playing etc. . . all involve the exchange of spiritual sexual energy. Did you know there electromagnetic field of the heart, which contains its own network or neurons, is estimated to extend out from your body about 12 feet from your body? That is why when someone is in your personal space you can sense them watching you or feel their energy. So, if someone is depressed but fucking you for instant gratification then you may wonder why you are feeling depressed afterwards. It is because you just let some stranger exchange spiritual, mental and emotional energy with you thru a sexual act. Emotional, mental, sexual, etc. . . it is all ENERGY! So, before you suck dick thru a hole in the wall or get fucked in a bathroom stall at a club by some random stranger ask yourself is it worth the exchange of energy I am about to receive?
Now, we all got our freaky side so don't let this think you can get you freak on you can because you are a grown ass man but ask yourself is it really worth the pleasure? Is it worth me going to this place or inviting this person over for a quickie without even know their name or finding out if he is an ax murder or not. If it is okay, ride that shit like a jockey at the horse track. If not okay, run Forest run. There is always a time and a place for everything and everything in moderation. But, fucking in a broom closet at job (although it sounds hot as fuck) is not the time or place, just like having a romantic night with candle light, smooth jazz and hot oil massages is not the place to discuss your ex when he deep in them guts. Always do you & Always be you but please do you just be safe, be happy, wrap it up and have fun.
The wisdom offer here by "ILoveMuscleBears" is obviously addressed to gay men, but could just as easily be advice to heterosexual people, male or female, with modification for the circumstances.
A very thoughtful and considered treatise.
I have just re-read 'ILoveMuscleBears' treatise on Intimacy, and was even more impressed with the second reading.